Grief & Losing Your Filter

If you are in the midst of grief, I can almost guarantee that there will be times when you lose your filter. I was a month into my junior year of college when I got the call to come home because Dad was on his deathbed. That day was a mess of tears and numbness as I packed my bags to say goodbye. When I got to the airport gate, I saw that a classmate of mine was on the same flight to St. Louis. She asked me why I was going home and I blurted out; ‘My dad is dying and I’m going home to say goodbye’.

Oooof. I can only imagine how awkward I made that classmate feel. My filter was shot, and I didn’t care about being polite.

When I went back to school after my dad’s passing, a professor offered little sympathy for my loss. I thought his standard one-week deadline to make-up the assignments I missed was absurd, so I called him out on it and he, in turn, gave me a much more reasonable extension. In this case, losing my filter gave me the boldness to stand up to someone I normally wouldn’t have challenged.

Losing your filter after a significant loss is 100% normal. Grief depletes your desire to keep up with social norms. People can be insensitive or say something to set you off. Sometimes this is good when a professor needs to be reminded that his students have lives outside of his classroom.

Other times, it might be better to try and keep your thoughts to yourself. If something or someone is going to set you off, then do your best to avoid that situation or person.

Getting your filter back takes time. Give yourself permission to grieve and talk about your pain with a close friend, therapist, or mentor. Go to someone who know you well, listen well, and with whom you can be vulnerable. 

In time you’ll figure out your new filter. One where you can be bold and candid when necessary, and kind and empathetic when it’s best. You’ve got this.